Screw You, Hunter Mahan

Here is a story absolutely zero golfers can relate to! Oh yeah, it involves a professional golfer and a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Hooray!

Hunter Mahan, who just won the Waste Management after posting weekend rounds of 65, cracked his driver on the second hole on Sunday. He had a backup driver in his car, and needed to get it before the third hole. Did he send his coach? Nope, not quite. His trainer? Nope. Nutritionist? Mother? Pilot? No, nope and negative. He sent his girlfriend, Kandi Harris (Ed. Note: I have to say, her appeal goes down about 400 percent when you find out her name is spelled candy with a K and an I. If I've learned anything over the years of dating, it is you can't trust a girl with a name that ends with an I. Is this her real name or stripper name?), out to get his backup driver.

"Luckily the rules staff ran her out to the car and she got it and I got it before the next tee shot, which was nice, because the next hole is a par-5," Mahan said. "I really didn't want to hit a 3-wood off the par 5."

"Oh, look at me, famous pro golfer worth millions! What's that, dear caddie? My driver has a blemish on it? No worries, friend, I'll just send Kandi out to the Escalade to pick up the second custom made driver Ping spent days handcrafting."

Whatever. I sure hope on his way home he didn't pull over to help a stranded man with a flat tire, only to find out it was a genie with a lamp. I'd hate for his week to improve at all.