After All This, What Do We Now Know About Tiger Woods?

This is the last week he will be a tabloid. Starting Monday, Tiger Woods will again be a golfer. I'm sure for most fans of his, that is a relief. No more hell from the media, no more yelling and screaming from organizations or condom dolls.

Starting Monday we get Tiger the golfer, talking about changes at Augusta National and the wind and how he feels like he hit a lot of great putts on Friday but nothing went in. But through all this, what have we really learned about Tiger Woods?

Well, for starters, we've learned that Woods is a man that loves sex. Trust me, you don't have to go turning over rocks in the Sonoran Desert to find people that can relate. All over the world, from big city to small town, men are having sex with people that don't hold their thousand dollar ring on their finger.

We've also learned that Tiger likes freaky sex. Again, you don't have to call the Hardy Boys to locate men like this.

But is there anything else we've learned about Woods the last four months? From his initial awkward press conference to his five minute interviews with both ESPN and The Golf Channel, the only real thing that has come from it is that Tiger stopped meditating, a joke I continue to use because I find it so ridiculous. Meditating doesn't stop the second head from wanting what it wanted. Mediating doesn't push for a golden shower or two.

I'd say one thing we learned about Tiger is his ability to cloak his life like he was Harry Potter sneaking around Hogwarts is as impressive as anything he's ever done. Do you have a friend that has ever cheated on a girlfriend or wife? That guy is constantly trying to avoid getting caught, and unless your buddy is Justin Timberlake, he probably isn't as famous as Tiger Woods. Tiger did this type of stuff all the time, in different cities, but avoided capture by the vulturous media.

Maybe we learned that Earl Woods was way more important to his son than we all believed. Everyone has a best friend, the one person that they will always be able to go to, and it seems that Earl was that to Tiger. The guy taught him everything and when he passed, life seemed to take a turn. His emotional geyser after the 2006 British Open win was telling in a way of how much he respected dad, but this might be just as telling. Earl was Tiger's rock, and without him, it's been a tough road going.

The one thing we have learned, however, is we will never know about Tiger now. If you thought he was covered up before, multiply that by a thousand and then just keep counting. This guy will be a fortress like we've never seen before, shoving away serious and personal questions like they're water hazards. On Monday, Tiger will give his first full press conference, but expect some sort of disclaimer about non-golf questions. He won't be answering them then and he won't be answering them later.

Tiger Woods isn't the same Tiger Woods we knew at this time last year, but in a way, he kind of is. He's a guy we know nothing about, it's just now we see a few more flaws than we used to.

Tiger Woods, Vanity Fair, Michael Jordan and Girth

If Tiger Woods was hoping that going back to the golf world would rid him of all the cheating stories, he is going to be disappointed.

Vanity Fair hits the newstands on Wednesday with a story that makes nearly all other Tiger reports obsolete; actual testimonies from people that were both inside Camp Tiger and Tiger was inside.

The story highlights John Merchant, a lawyer that once was friends with Tiger and worked closely with him until Earl fired him after disagreeing with Tiger's dad taking a $1 million cut of his initial Nike deal, and gets actual quotes from ladies connected with Tiger throughout the entire sexual ordeal.

Merchant goes on record as to blame none other than Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley for being bad influences to Tiger throughout his professional career. Along with that, some interesting tidbits of how the actual cheating process worked is revealed by some of the ladies, including the admission that yep, Tiger sure is cheap.

-- Tiger would tip waitress 15 percent.

-- Tiger would fly the girls on Southwest Airlines (DING!).

-- Tiger wouldn't give any of the girls any "play around" money.

We also learn some stuff that will make any man not a holder of 14 major championships cringe about.

Mindy Lawton said she grabbed his penis. "Wow," she said. "It was the biggest I've ever seen."

Yeah, of course he does. It isn't like the man that had everything in the world (money, talent, hot wife, cute kids) didn't need an anaconda to boot.

But the story shows more about Tiger than anything. While we've always talked about what he did have, we seldom focus on what he didn't have. Social skills. The ability to actually be cool. (need an example ... watch the commercial where he tries to be suave alongside Derek Jeter. It's like asking Sean Williams Scott to act next to Spencer Tracey.) The knowledge of what really goes on.

Maybe my favorite example of what I'm talking about came from this exchange between Lawton and Woods.

"Hi, this is Ti," the caller said.

"Who?" she asked.

"Tiger. A couple of friends and I are going out tonight to the Blue Martini, and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?"

He seriously called himself Ti? Like the rapper? Would it surprise you if Tiger had a barbwire tattoo around his bicep? Or if he enjoyed wearing white sunglasses and jean shorts?

As with anything Tiger, some of this story is probably false. Nobody can totally remember details of what happened years ago, but for the most part, it all fits the guy that we now know as Mr. Woods. A guy that felt he was bigger than the situation, and felt that he couldn't be caught. Now he has been, now he is heading back to the golf course, and hopefully this will be one of the last of these types of stories to come our way.

John Daly Will Once Again Sell Merchandise Outside Augusta National, Not Play

The last time John Daly played in the Masters was 2006. The last time he made the cut at the season's opening major was 2002. The last time Daly has been seen outside Augusta National? Well, '09! That's because at this point in his career, "Being John Daly" means sitting outside the gates of the most famous golf course in the country hawking any and all gear he can get his hands on. And he's back!

Via Wei Under Par via Daly's Twitter:

So—IS EVERYONE gonna stop by my Merchandise Booth the week of the Masters! Will have all new merchandise & I’ll be there— BEING JOHN DALY.

I’m not playing the Masters-but i’ll be there promoting my “Grip It & Rip It” & Lion brand gear—so please ya’ll stop by & still cheer me on

I'm not exactly sure what he means by "cheer him on." "SELL THAT SHIRT! SELL THAT SHIRT!"

As you probably know, Daly used to set up shop at the Hooters directly across the street from Magnolia Lane, but after he ran into some trouble at Hooters back in 2008 (while you're clicking Hooters stories, check out the one where my buddy Brinson tries to get an autograph from him) he decided to move locations.

He will now be outside a jewelry store (of course he will be) trying to give away whatever he can during Masters week.

What the Hell, Miguel?

The above photo was taken after the final round of last week's Open de Andalucia, an event hosted in Spain by the European Tour.

Louis Oosthuizen's ears won the event, but honestly, does anyone win over Miguel Angel Jimenez? The guy is a successful John Daly, enjoying cigars and beers at the Jiger Inn during British Open week because, frankly, he is a millionaire and would rather have some fun than sit on the range all night working on perfecting a draw.

You have to respect the guy's attitude, just because it isn't seen that much on tour anyone. What you don't have to respect? The "Nicholas Cage in Con Air" haircut he is rocking. Miguel ... we love ya, but do something about the doo.

Also, mind sending me a box of Cubans? Appreciate it.

Ernie Els Makes Super Strange Decision with Caddie

This is going to surprise you, but Ricci Roberts doesn't have a Wikipedia page. It appears that unless you once caddied for Tiger Woods (or Tom Watson), your past history doesn't really matter to the general public.

But Ricci Roberts (according to my research with Getty Images) has been with Ernie Els since 2002, taking some time with Thomas Bjorn, Lee Westwood, and most recently Charl Schwartzel in 2007, but mostly sticking with the Big Easy. He was on the bag for both wins this season, but will not be with Ernie when he makes the trip to Augusta National in two weeks.

Earlier this month (h/t to @nothreeputt) it was reported that Els would be going with another caddie, but Roberts was hoping he'd still get a chance to be with Ernie at the Masters.

“You never know, I might get that call for Augusta now,” Roberts said with a hopeful chuckle in the aftermath of the victory.

But that isn't the case. Els will be taking former NHL player Dan Quinn to Augusta, a man that was on the bag at this year's Sony Open and Northern Trust. Els played fine at both events (t-10, t-12), but he didn't win, and that is the big red flag. For the past two seasons we've seen Els get close. He hasn't been able to pull it together and now that he has, he's switching up the process that got him there.

The decision is strange to say the least. They might have decided on split time before the season started between caddies, but when a recipe is working, you don't just toss two more cups of sugar in it to try and spice it up.

Ernie said the decision doesn't bother him because, "I don't think anybody can tell me anything more about Augusta than I already know," but that seems like he is selling his caddies short. It's more than just letting you know about the wind on 12. Having a caddie you trust in the clutch is one of the most underrated tools a golfer can carry. You've heard about the 12th man at Texas A&M ... a good caddie is easily a 15th club in the bag.

It seems Ernie doesn't realize this, and it might cost him at Augusta.

I'd Say That Was Pretty Lucky

Who said Chris Couch did stuff like everyone else?

Here is his second shit shot into the 18th green on Saturday at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Find a luckier shot this season and I'll eat my gym shorts.

What Exactly Was Michelle Wie Saying?

I'll be honest -- I love Michelle Wie. I love how she has handled all the ridicule earlier in her career (sometimes even from me). I love how she has decided to do other things, including a rather entertaining blog and Twitter account. I love that she dated one of the Lopez twins.

That is why it pains me to question Michelle, who seems like a sweetheart from what I have seen. (when I caddied for Erica Blasberg at the 2009 LPGA Championship, I walked by Michelle at one point and told her congrats for her win in Mexico and her smiling response looked like I'd just saved her puppy from getting hit by a Hummer. It was almost like I was doing her a favor. Genuine chick.)

But, the argument on Sunday that she lost balance at the Kia Classic, grounding her club in a hazard and costing her two shots (and $100,000), seems a bit odd. Here, watch the video.

I have to admit ... balance never seems to be the issue. It looks like Michelle hit the shot, was looking to see exactly what happened and then just placed the wedge on the ground.

I'd chalk this up to a "rule in golf that has nothing to do with the outcome of the shot," but isn't that always the case with stuff like this? The grounding your club in a hazard rule came about so that people couldn't test the conditions of a certain shot. Here, Michelle obviously had already hit the shot, was just placing the club down and in no way was checking to see how the ground would play. But, as you've read a billion times, rules are rules, and the balancing thing never seems to play out.

I hate it happened to Michelle, but just admitting it occurred and moving on seems like a better play than saying you lost your balance.

Fred Couples is Making the Champions Tour Look Eaaasy

Fred Couples has played in four Champions Tour events since turning 50 in October. He has won three of them, and finished second in the other one.

Needless to say, he is destroying folks.

Here are his scores in his three wins in the last three tournaments:

68-67-64-66-64-65-67-66-62

That, my friends, is a scoring average of 65.44. An announcer on Sunday made a fairly good point about Couples playing against these other seniors -- while they're hitting 6-irons into greens, Freddy has 9-irons and wedges, similar to how Tiger Woods dominated the field in the 1997 Masters. When you have short clubs in, you're going to make more birdies. It's as simple as that.

Also, and this is my own little theory, but the three day events have to be beneficial for a guy that has always struggled with back problems. We've seen Couples in the hunt in PGA Tour events the last few years, but it always seems that he doesn't have enough gas for the final round. Now? He only has to play 54 holes, and he's doing that better than anyone else.

When is this guy going to lose?

(Also, for some reason I can't post pictures right now, so here, this is my drawing of what Couples looks like -- :-/ )

Phil Mickelson Shot a 58 This Week

Back in 2004, Phil Mickelson switched clubs right before the Ryder Cup. Most people were outraged that he would do such a thing during such a big event, and his play looked noticeably rusty. Not long after that, however, Phil shot a nice little 59 at the PGA Grand Slam of Golf, where he had an eagle putt on the final hole for a 58 that he missed.

Think that is the only time he's been close to 58? Yep, you're wrong.

Jason Sobel tweeted the following on Friday.

Not the best round of the week for Phil Mickelson. Just revealed that he shot 58 at Fred Couples-designed course in Palm Springs on Monday.

And no, that wasn't some executive course, either. Legit par-72. Mickelson said he made an eagle and 12 birdies. Hmm, ready for Augusta?

I guess that is fairly decent. A 58? The only other time I've ever heard someone shooting 58 was Chris Nallen at Arizona National the week before the collegiate event there (Ed Note: Check which badass wrote that article.), where he set the course record.

If he isn't ready for Augusta National, I'm not sure he ever will be.

Okay, So This is Pretty Cute

I have bashed the Tavistock Cup all week, so I decided to pull back my guns for these pictures of Justin Rose and son Leo. It appears Leo might have a future in caddying. That might be a smart way to keep the money in the family, Justin. Just saying.

Tiger Woods Continues to Disrupt Any Sporting Event That Doesn't Involve Him

We are all humans, so the answer to my question here will be yes; have you ever done something rude to someone? You did it, you felt terrible and you tried to make amends for doing it, right? Of course you did. If you're reading this website I'm assuming you're a standup person that scored high on the SAT and went to Rice or Colombia.

Tiger Woods has basically let down everyone that has ever been close to him over the last few months, including wife, mother and caddie. So what does he do to make himself look better? Well, screw over every sporting event that matters! If it doesn't involve Woods, he obviously doesn't give a shit.

First it was the Accenture Match Play, when Woods held a press conference the Friday of the event, claiming that was the only date that worked out for him. We should note here that his "only date that would work presser" came on February 19, nearly two months before he will be seen in competition.

Then came the Travelers Transitions Championship and second round games of the NCAA, when Woods had to be interviewed by ESPN and The Golf Channel instead of waiting for a less peak time for sports. "Friend" Jim Furyk was in the midst of winning for the first time since 2007, but Woods did the interview anyway and had it go live right as Furyk was winning and the March Madness games were coming down to the wire.

Now news comes that Tiger is planning his Masters press conference for Monday of Masters week, the same day both the National Championship game and opening day of Major League Baseball are going on. The only thing Tiger missed out on was showing up at the Super Bowl when the Saints won and kicking Drew Brees' cute kid out of his hands as he was proudly holding the little fella over his head.

We should note this -- Tiger Woods is the only golfer scheduled to talk to media on Monday. The only one.

Seriously, Denis Leary should re-write his famous asshole song completely on this guy and his actions. It's almost like his whole goal is to screw over anything and everything in his path, and at this point I'm not even joking about waitresses and porn stars.

Tim Finchem Quickly Learns that Giving Preferential Treatment Never Works

PGA Tour commish Tim Finchem sent out a memo back in November. It was about Steve Elkington, the 1995 PGA Championship winner, asking tournament officials to remember Elkington when thinking of giving out sponsors invitation.

It was a nice gesture. That is, unless you are one of the other thousand or so golfers trying to get into tournaments via sponsors exemptions, and didn't get a similar letter.

Let me introduce you to Tim Herron (who's got more steps than Britney) and David Duval, a man you might remember from earlier this decade.

"I think it's out of line," said David Duval, the former British Open champion who has conditional status on tour this year. "It never crossed my mind to ask Tim to do that for me."

"That's terrible of the tour," Herron said. "The tour needs to be unbiased and treat everyone the same. That's like a slap in the face. Nothing against Steve Elkington. But the tour is supposed to represent the players as a whole, and not just one player."

With all due respect to Finchem and Elkington, it is pretty messed up. You have guys all over the world trying to write their way into tournaments, and some (like these three) have more of case than others. So, when the PGA Tour commissioner takes your side, you are obviously a leg up on the field.

Finchem says that Elkington has always been a "tournament favorite for his work with the sponsors," which I can only imagine has never been an endorsement said about Duval, but come on, you can't do this to these guys.

I'm assuming the next time someone needs a similar memo, Finchem will quickly hide whatever letterhead is sitting on his desk.

Some Team Beat Some Other Team in that Tavistock Thingy

Alright, you can scoot back from the end of your seat. I have the Tavistock Cup results. Ready?!?! Okay!!

Lake Nova (Or Nona, I'm not totally sure) beat up Isleworth 17-13 to claim the "cup." Maybe the best part of the day was hearing that Nick O'Hern won the Payne Stewart Salver Award for low round of the day (65). Oh, and he also won $300,000. I wonder which one he's more excited about?

This will obviously be my last post on the Tavistock Cup, but seriously, how can you take an event seriously that has Tiger Woods as one of the top pictures on their website and he didn't even play!?!

Why not put Leonardo DiCaprio up there? Or maybe one of the Wiggles? I bet a nipple shot of Megan Fox would have brought in some traffic.

Also, are they really celebrating with champagne? How up their own asses can they be when they think winning this thing means a lot?

The Tavistock Cup Continues to Earn Fans

When people start jobs, there is usually an incredible amount of tension and confusion that comes with it. It's just becoming familiar with what you are and aren't supposed to do, and it usually comes with certain humorous ridicule from the veterans.

As a journalist (or as much of a journalist as I've been in my career) I remember covering my first "big" sporting event (I put big in quotation marks because when I was a student at the University of Arizona, to obtain tickets to a Wildcat football was nearly as easy as scoring a hot can of Keystone Light. Just ask and it'll be there within seconds).

I was told of my rules, and rules I had to stick by. NO CHEERING! NO FANDOME! NO AFFILIATION TO ANY TEAM!

I always thought it was quite odd. While most journalists are smart enough not to blatantly cheer for this team or that, everyone got into sports for a reason, and that reason is because we love sports. Picking a side is in our DNA.

That is why I found this story by Ron Sirak so incredible. Sirak is, and will continue to be, one of my favorite golf scribes. He usually tells it like it is, and in a day where we have Kelly Tilghman asking Tiger Woods about bracelets, it's nice to see guys that aren't taken back by the golfers they cover.

Sirak was at the Tavistock Cup, an event that I have dogged on this website since I started it. Honestly, if you could find a more pointless event in the world, I'd send you my entire closet full of left shoes.

Anyway, Sirak has been around long enough to know you don't pick sides. Like me at the Arizona Wildcats first home game of 2003, I'm sure Sirak was once scolded by his predecessor NOT TO CHEER! So why did Sirak get in trouble when he tried to stay neutral? Here is the report, in his own words.

When I picked up my credential at Will Call they also handed me a shirt. Nothing unusual there ...

... So I get to the shuttle and a friendly enough chap says, "Didn't they give you a shirt?" to which I replied: "Yes they certainly did and a damn nice one it is." That was apparently the wrong answer. The guy, who now was getting very serious about his job, says: "In the spirit of the competition, everyone is expected to wear either Lake Nona blue or Isleworth red," or maybe it was the other way around. Frankly, the absurdity of the request -- which wasn't really a request -- directed my attention away from the details. Anyway, I replied: "In the spirit of journalism, I cannot wear your corporate uniform while I am covering your event. I am here as a journalist, not as a billboard."

It turns out, no matter journalist or journeyman, if you were at the Tavistock Cup, by God, you were wearing blue or red!

Sirak ended up leaving the event that second. He said, as most of us can agree, that he'd rather spend an afternoon with Arnold Palmer than covering an event that is more about pats on the back than putting percentage.

I'd love to get the chance to cover the Tavistock Cup one day. While you couldn't handcuff me into wearing one of those atrocious mock turtles, it would be fun to simply ask one of the players the one question everyone wonders -- "What the hell exactly is the Tavistock Cup, and do you remember who won last year?"

I'm guessing Ian Poulter would just roll his eyes and walk off to pinker pastures.

Could the Tavistock Cup Pick Uglier Shirts?

The old saying goes, nothing can be said in certain except death, taxes and really ugly golf Cup shirts. It started with the 1999 American Ryder Cup team shirts, and the Tavistock Cup has continued the tradition.

Above is a picture of Ian Poulter and Justin Rose sporting the mock turtle necks at this year's Tavistock Cup, which someone is winning I'm sure, but do you really care? Nope, you don't.

Everything You Needed to Know About Tiger Woods' Interviews

On Sunday, Tiger Woods spoke for the first time since his crash on Thanksgiving night. Well, no, actually that isn't right, but he spoke for the first time to reporters that either worked for ESPN or The Golf Channel and were willing to live by a five minute rule with Tiger, where nothing could be asked past five minutes.

Tom Rinaldi of ESPN and Kelly Tilghman (always been a big fan of hers) of The Golf Channel spoke with Tiger for five minutes each outside his house in Florida, a setting that looked like the house they used in "Forrest Gump," and threw any question possible at the top golfer in the world.

Some highlights ...

-- Rinaldi went first, and interrupted Tiger so much you would have thought they were married. Obviously Rinaldi was getting his moneys worth.

-- Tiger called Kelly, a well known friend to Woods, "Kel" on two separate occasions. It was some real Frost-Nixon stuff going on there.

-- CBS denied Tiger an interview because of the time restraints, meaning CBS continues to do all the right things in the golf world.

-- During the conclusion of Kelly's interview, she asked the question we had all been waiting to hear the answer to: "What's that on your wrist?" She was referring to a Buddhist bracelet (that Stephanie Wei hilariously mocked here) that Tiger said he will now wear forever to "protect him." I wonder if Buddhist bracelet will not be carrying Tiger's bag and breaking quick-fingered cameras. I sure hope so.

Here is video of the full Golf Channel interview, and here are clips from the ESPN one.

That was about it in the highlight department. As David Dusek pointed out on Twitter, the unsung reason Tiger did the interviews was so he didn't have to answer any of the hard questions at the Masters. He will go in with some press release saying that the past is the past and he will only take golf questions from here on out.

My favorite part of the interview was when Tiger told Kelly that the reason all of this happened was because he "stopped meditating," which prompted me to take to Twitter with numerous excuse tweets like, "Mustard on my sandwich?!??! The Subway guy must have stopped meditating!"

Anyway, my full analysis of what Tiger said (or, better yet, didn't say) is right here, and as you probably can tell from my tone, isn't so positive. Tiger has given us too many "I'm really coming clean, but not coming clean at all" moments through this whole thing and it has become too much.

Also, add the Transitions Championship to the list of sporting events Tiger has screwed over. As buddy Jim Furyk was winning his first title since 2007, networks were airing the interviews. Maybe a suggestion for Woods? Next time you cheat and wreck and screw over, schedule your interviews for a Monday.

Why the Hell is Barack Obama Still Talking about Tiger Woods?

Politics are strange. When discussing them, I fall under this guise -- "man that has strong opinions but doesn't like to share them or argue about them because it leads to absolutely nothing but bad things." It is like texting when you're drunk. Nothing good ever happens from it, and most of the time you wake up in the morning scratching your head, wondering what the hell you actually said to get you to this point.

But I'll admit I'm a fan of Barack Obama. Like most politicians, he is likable to a fault. Drinks beer, likes sports, is super smart and seems to want things to actually get better. I'm sure half the readers will disagree, and that's fine. It doesn't pain me that we have difference of opinions. When Eve decided on that apple, people began disagreeing and here we are.

What I think needs to be said, however, is this -- Obama needs to chill on things like this Tiger Woods issue. He has spoken of it twice, with the latest being in an interview with Fox Sports were Barack said he still thinks Tiger is a "fantastic" golfer.

Fact -- Tiger is still a fantastic golfer. We all know this. Just because he stuck his peg in more holes than a Lite Bright doesn't mean it is going to affect his swing or putting stroke. Sure, it might shake him mentally, but when speaking of golf, he is still going to be terrific.

I just don't get why Barack has to say anything at all. His job isn't to give advice on sports figures, and on something this touchy, it seems almost irresponsible. At this point I could say something like, "he has so many other things to worry about," but we all know that isn't realistic. Of course he is going to have some thoughts on Tiger, because in the sense of public issues, it was tops in the last three months. I just wish Obama would keep the thoughts to himself, so we don't have to hear more barking about the president being behind a guy like Tiger, or whatever the GOP would like to say on this issue.

Okay, rant over. Back to fun stuff. Anyone interested in a golden shower?

This Guy Seems Smart.

I love trolling around Yahoo! Answers, because you sometimes get stuff like this.



Yep, he was asking if a video game would screw up his actual golf swing. The best answer he got?



Have a good Friday, everyone!

Every Text Message Tiger Woods Ever Sent Joslyn James

You know how Tiger Woods had sex with all those girls? Well, one of those was a porn star, and this might be hard to believe but it appears she wasn't that trustworthy. Joslyn James kept all the texts Tiger ever sent her and published them (here is the original link, NSFW).

The texts list starts off pretty boring. Stuff like "heading back from the course now" and "just so you know I have to get up at 415 tomorrow." Don't worry though, they get downright disgusting towards the end. Tiger suggests s-ing his d, having a threesome and tells her not to f-ing talk to him. Yeah, sounds like a great guy!

Listen, I'm all for second chances, but how the hell can Elin read this stuff and get back with him? He was sending these texts TO A PORN STAR!

(Texts are NSFW)

Happy St. Patrick's Day, from DTCC and Padraig!!

Go have a beer. Make your buddy pay for it.

What Can We Expect From Tiger Woods at the Masters?

He's returning, but he isn't really returning. Tiger Woods hasn't played tournament golf since November 15, so to think that he believes he has a chance at winning would do one of two things.

1.) It would show that no matter how much therapy/changing Tiger has done, his ego still overrides reality.
2.) It would mean that he has been practicing way more than he led the public to believe.

Still, no practice can prepare someone for an event like this, and Tiger is probably going to finish somewhere around 15th* or something, a mediocre week for Tiger (And a great week for most anyone else in the field).

Woods picked Augusta because it is simple, and it has nothing to do with what he told the Associated Press. He isn't doing it because he won his first major there. He isn't doing it because he feels that it has some bigger meaning. He is doing it because Augusta has basically set themselves up for decades to host an event of this caliber. A star unlike any other in sports returning to mixed reviews because of things that happened outside the golf world. The only way a golf tournament would have been bigger is if Payne Stewart somehow came back from the dead to play Pinehurst, and I'm not meaning that to be funny, I'm being honest ... I couldn't imagine golf hosting a bigger event that this, unless it involved supernatural circumstances.

If he wins, it will be one of the craziest accomplishments in the history of sports, if not the most impressive. Tiger has the ability to block out a ton of things on the golf course, but heckling has never been one of them.

Maybe dealing with racism early in his golf career might come in handy. Back in his Stanford days certain courses wouldn't let him compete because he wasn't white. That was an uncomfortable situation that had nothing to do with actual golf, and motivated him on a level that none of us can understand. Maybe all this bad press is something Tiger will use against the rest of the field, and the rest of the media, and the rest of the world? At one point the guy wasn't even returning phone calls to his best friends (Charles Barkley and Mark O'Meara to name a few), so this could be Tiger's "me against the world" moment.

No matter, it'll be great to watch, and for once, maybe Tiger won't come out on Thursday in his typical "no shots to the foot" mentality. What if he comes out on Thursday and posts a 69 (no pun intended)? Will we all immediately forget about everything that happened the last few months and remember that we love him because he's so goddamn good at golf?

Who knows. Augusta can't come soon enough.

* - obviously this is me making some absurd prediction in the most unpredictable sport, so call me out at will.

Tiger Woods is Returning to the Masters

With one simple statement, Tiger Woods is back.

On Tuesday, Woods announced that it wouldn't be Bay Hill that would be the site of his return, it would be the famed Augusta National links.

"The Masters is where I won my first major and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I'm ready to start my season at Augusta," Woods said in a statement.

The reason for this is obvious. Tiger picked Augusta because it will be as quiet as possible, with most of the racket coming from outside the entrance to Magnolia Lane and with only the oldest of old in the media world getting an invite to toss questions at Woods.

It also means more patrons, less "You sucks!" coming from the gallery.

Woods hasn't won here since 2005, and cannot be picked to win it in 2010, but to have him back will be nice for everyone involved. Like Kobe Bryant returning to the basketball court after all the stuff in Colorado, going back to your place of business, even if 50,000 people are watching, has to feel a little normal. Tiger is a routine-filled man, and I'm sure he is excited to get back to that type of life.

If nothing else, it will give us all a chance to enjoy golf like it was meant to be enjoyed. Tiger on the screen, at Augusta National, competing for a green jacket. Now that is something I can get on board with.

Additional Links

-- The entire timeline of all the events since Thanksgiving night, up to the the day he announced he'd return to Augusta.

-- How Tiger Woods has done in the Masters over his career.

-- Why Augusta National is the perfect spot for Tiger's return.

Some Lady Was a Big Fan of Charl Schwartzel's Balls

"Hey honey, I know it seems we always do things I want to do, but there is this really elite PGA Tour event in town this weekend and I was wondering if you'd mind coming with me on Sunday?"

"To go watch golf? Live?"

"Yes honey, I know it sounds a little boring, but I promise you'll enjoy it. It is some of the most focused athletes in the world, and the course is absolutely magnificent. They call it the Blue Monster."

"Sounds like something from Dora the Explorer, but fine, we can go, just let me wear one of your golf hats and promise to not let me do anything stupid."

"Okay, you really only need to know a couple of things. Don't talk when the players are hitting and don't go under the ropes. That's it."

"Sounds easy enough."

/cut to three days later, on the 17th hole as Charl Schwartzel misses the fairway right.

"Oh look dear, a golf ball for free!"

"Noooooooo!"



/husband tackles wife

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?"

"Well honey, it appears I forgot to tell you the third rule. You cant steal the player's golf ball during the tournament."

h/t Waggle

Fun With Picture Archives

The Internet is a great place for a lot of reasons, but finding things like this are what make it really exciting.

Bill Simmons posted the above picture on his Twitter, of Tiger Woods posing with the entire Orlando Magic dance team in March of 2007.

I'm not sure which group is smiling more, Tiger or the girls, but we can only assume the conversation that went out before and after the flash.

Oh, memories!

Steve Stricker Speaks up on Tiger Woods' Potential Return at Augusta

We all knew it would happen. As much as Tiger Woods wanted us to believe he wouldn't be back on the golf course this year, we all could see through that ... the man is an athlete first, husband second and whatever else third. He's always been that way.

The best golfer on the planet currently playing golf is Steve Stricker, and when Bob Harig of ESPN asked him some questions about Tiger's return to the Masters, Stricker said what most golfers are probably thinking.

"Whenever he comes back it's going to draw a lot of attention to that tournament and the focus is going to be on him coming back. I don't know if Augusta would like that to happen, you know? To turn it into Tiger's comeback instead of the Masters Tournament itself."

How true is that? You think playing in Tiger's group is distracting? Imagine being a guy in this field, trying to warm up and burst through crowds and answer questions that will be 90 percent Tiger, 10 percent you.

Like I've said all along, the guy just needs to get back on the golf course so the healing process can begin. When he starts winning, most of us will forget about all that stuff around Thanksgiving and go back to celebrating when the putt drops. Will we respect him as much? No, probably not. Will it be nice to have him back on the course? Absolutely.

Striker knows what kind of storm will roll in with Woods, it just seems that Augusta is still the best spot for a return. No matter if he wanted to play in the Dobson Ranch Friday Skins Game, the galleries are going to be stupid big.

Report: Tiger Woods is Returning, Just Nobody Knows at Which Tournament

My Blackberry experienced a conundrum of sorts on Thursday. At first it was getting e-mails or texts about a possible return for Tiger Woods at Bay Hill, according to sources. This is coming after TMZ was convinced that Woods would be making his return at the Tavistock Cup. Then, the Associated Press' Doug Ferguson came out with a story that Woods will be returning at the Masters.

What did my Blackberry quickly find out? Like everything that has happened in this Woods saga, nobody really knows anything about anything until Tiger finally speaks up about something.

We had heard Elin beat Tiger up with a golf club. That part of the story seemed believable, but the offshoots of the story took a mind of their own. Tiger didn't have any teeth. Elin beat him up with a 9-iron. Tiger was knocked out. On and on and on. That was until Woods got up on his podium and let us know that IN NO WAY has there ever been any domestic violence in the Woods household.

At that point, we all dropped the golf club theory.

What we know at this point is that Tiger will almost certainly be back at the Masters this year, as most of us had expected (well, everyone except Rick Reilly, who thinks the best thing for Woods to do was join the nunnery and never talk to anyone he's ever known previously again). Bay Hill seems like a likely warm-up, but as we've seen the last few months, the words "likely" and "Tiger" sure haven't found themselves together in the same sentence much.

More reports will surface, I'm sure. Later today, we might have our verdict, but as for the TigerWoods.com schedule on the front page, it still says his upcoming tournaments were both in 2009.

My poor Blackberry.

Graeme McDowell Enjoys Cell Phones

This is a picture of Graeme McDowell at the CA Championship. If you need to reach him, I'd just randomly dial a compilation of 10 numbers, because there is a good chance you'll reach him. Seriously, 111-111-1111 might be one of his many cells. I'd try it right now if I was you.

Up Next? Burrito's Obligatory Sex Scandal

This is a video of a Chihuahua named Burrito playing some golf and wearing an absolutely adorable (albeit ridiculous) golfing outfit. The owner of the dog says that Burrito is her life, and although it takes a while for the little guy to take it back, he eventually knocks it in the hole.

The expression is priceless.



via Warming Glow

How GQ Nailed What We've Been Thinking All Along

if the Tiger Woods scandal had happened even ten years ago, the world would have approached it a different way. Sure, people would have been in an uproar, but the only real news outlets at that time were newspapers and television, and it would have been our headline for a week and we would have moved on.

Now, however, journalists, bloggers, and writers alike have endless opportunity to write, and must, to keep up with this technological age. If Journey had been born a few decades later, the song might have gone something like, "Don't Stop Bloggin'," and it's true. You can't, because if you do, you'll be passed up fast.

That's why we keep speculating on Tiger. For golf writers, it is the only thing to do. It's what gets readers and stirs the pot and has people on one side or the other.

The bottom line is quite the opposite though ... everyone will forgive this guy the moment he starts winning again. Don't believe me? Look at this great point in the recent profile of Kobe Bryant by GQ.

In the same vein, it's hard not to think of Bryant when people talk about Tiger Woods, whose public fall also came after knee surgery and a sex scandal. It's hard not to think of Bryant when people wonder if Woods is done, if he'll forever wander in the wilderness, hemorrhaging sponsors and fans. Once upon a time, they were asking the same thing about Bryant. Now Bryant's back, all the way back, the wilderness like a bad dream. When he dives for a ball at Staples Center, landing in the front row, the fans cheer and yell: "We love you, Kobe!" And they're all wearing his jersey. Life is good. Life is great. So he doesn't want to talk about the past. He can't, he won't, and if a few fans or writers can't stop talking about it, so be it.

This is, more or less, the exact same thing that happened to the world's best basketball player years ago. A cheat, a home-wrecker, a selfish asshole that everyone loved to hate even more. Now? We see Kobe for what he is ... an incredible basketball player that comes through in the clutch countless times over and nothing more. He isn't changing my life outside of my basketball viewing, and we have comes to terms with this.

Before Thanksgiving 2009, Tiger was expected to be more than that. He was expected to be a saint; an athlete that defies perfection and makes every parent aspire to birth a kid this wonderful.

Now, when Tiger returns, he will be just another golfer, but with a different pedigree. This is going to be the golfer that we've always wanted ... a dark character that still shields his life from us, but we all know more than we used to. He will win tournaments. He will win majors. Sponsors will return and we will all applaud when on the 18th at Augusta in 20-whatever, he is standing over a birdie putt for another green jacket, and when the putt drops dead center, like it always does, the group of people you're around will all look at each other, wide-eyed, mouths agape, with that expression like someone just jumped 30 cars riding a tricycle. "How can we always do this," we will wonder aloud, and high fives will be had.

For now, he is still the punk that cheated on his wife with any female loose enough to spread her legs for the 15 minutes it takes to possibly ruin a career. In the coming months, when he returns, he will just be a golfer ... a damn fine golfer, but a golfer.

Maybe that's what we've always wanted from this guy to begin with.

The Big Golf Controversy is Finally Resolved!!!!

HOORAY, HOORAY! Tiger Woods is coming back to the PGA Tour!!

Umm, damn ... you're telling me it isn't that controversy? It deals with wedges?

See, this is what happens when Tiger Woods takes all this time off. We all start making bigger deals out of things that aren't really big deals to begin with.

Yep, the controversy that is the Ping Eye-2 wedges versus the PGA Tour is done, as Ping has agreed to stop the silliest golf fight ever. The wedges are now non-conforming, meaning you'll never see the boxy early '90s wedge again. Ever.

"John Solheim and Ping had a terrific opportunity to do something very positive and significant for the game of golf and we very much appreciate his willingness to take this action," said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem.

Alright, I'm happy. As long as we never have to speak of the Ping Eye-2 wedges again, this is great news.

Now, back to tossing darts at my Tiger Woods calender in hopes of hitting the correct date he returns.

The Oscars Will be Tiger Woods Joke Free

Rumors swirled the last few weeks about the Oscars nixing Sacha Baron Cohen from hosting duties because he would be too inappropriate. The fun doesn't stop there, however, because retirement center performers hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin aren't allowed to make any Tiger Woods jokes during the Sunday Hollywood celebrity massage.

Academy Awards bosses deleted a series of rude Tiger Woods jokes from the script. A well-placed source tells us writers penned cracks about the golfer's cheating scandal for hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to deliver. But the lines have been nixed by producers. The source said, "Some of the Tiger jokes were deemed too rude."

Yeah, nothing like being forced to avoid the biggest subject of the last four months.

Maybe they'll also not talk about that blue person movie that the guy from "Titanic" directed.

TMZ Covers Tiger, and It Ain't Pretty

Tiger Woods staged some photos for Getty Images last week so that a legit news organization would be the first ones with pictures, a slight dig to the gossip websites of the world like TMZ.

On Friday, TMZ posted the above photo, with the headline, "Tiger Woods -- the first unstaged golf photos." It was their attempt to get something exclusive, and they did, in a way. Sure, they are grainy and look like they were taken with a StarTech camera phone, but they are exclusive and nobody else has them.

And this is where the continued problem with TMZ lies. See, they send out some photographers to get a photo and that is their story, damn the copy. Don't believe me? This is the introduction to their story on Tiger with this picture.

Tiger Woods is golfing like a man possessed -- hitting ball after ball after ball at the golf course near his home in Isleworth ... and TMZ has obtained the first unstaged photos of Woods back in action.

Yes, hitting "ball after ball ball" sure isn't a valid description of something practicing, or "golfing like a man possessed." Anyone that has gone to the range has hit a big bucket of balls, normally in the 150-200 ball range. That's practice. It's what you do to get better.

So, how long did he practice for?

Woods hit the course yesterday with 2 male companions and practiced his ass off from 8:30 AM to 5:00 PM -- working on everything from drives to pitches and putts.

Humm ... golf is his job ... he is trying to get his game under control ... he was on the course all day ... seems pretty normal to me. I'm not dogging TMZ for what they do. It's something that is out there and we all use at times and we aren't always proud we do it. Gossip is gossip, and no matter how much you're against it, we all are interested by it.

What I hate is that they paste "exclusive" on something, watermark a photo and mail in the rest of the story like they could care less with what it said.

The closing sentence? "And with that news ... Phil Mickelson probably needs a fresh pair of undies." I'm pretty sure the last thing Mickelson cares about at this point is when Woods is returning.

Jack Nicklaus Has Spoken: Tiger Will Play Masters

If there is one person Tiger Woods looks up to (and no, I'm not thinking Wilt Chamberlain) it is Jack Nicklaus. As the famous story goes, when Tiger was younger he hung Playboy centerfolds a list of all Jack's majors and claimed he'd one day beat* that record.

So, when Jack speaks, Tiger normally listens and that's why I think the recent announcement that Nicklaus thinks Tiger will be in the Masters field means Tiger will most likely be in the Masters field.

"I suspect he'll play something before Augusta," Nicklaus said behind the 18th green at PGA National, where the Honda Classic opens on Thursday. "Your guess is as good as mine. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't play something before Augusta."

As I pointed out over at Devil Ball, Tiger has until 5 PM on Friday to sign up for the CA Championship that begins next week, but has plenty of time to prepare for Bay Hill, which would be the most likely return if he is going to be at Augusta National.

Tiger has always made it known that he'd never play a tournament unless he felt he could win, and while these circumstances are very different than his previous problems, he still isn't going to Augusta without a feel that he could conquer the field.

That said, Charles Howell III was hitting balls next to Tiger the other day and said he looked great and was hitting the ball like he always does (Note: Very good), it just goes back to that "tournament form" that most golfers don't totally understand. Hitting good shots on the range is one thing, being ready for a tournament is a whole other beast.

But, as we know, if there is one golfer that could do it, it's TW.

* - for the record, I could have made another sex joke there, but decided two in one paragraph is plenty. That horse has been hit so many times it looks like roadkill.

John Daly, The Maturity Expert

Something I find incredible is how thin people's skin really is. I'm an absolute nobody and get called an idiot at least five times a day in comments around the web, and I couldn't imagine letting that stuff get to me. In life, there are people that are going to like you and people that are going to hate you, and just like sports, if the first column is greater than the second column, you're probably good.

A reporter by the name of Garry Smits recently reviewed John Daly's PGA Tour disciplinary folder to find out the damn thing ran 456 pages (Ed. Note: Thing you don't want? Your bad boy folder to be higher than your driving average), and highlighted some of the key points.

• Daly allegedly also smacked golf balls over the heads of spectators in bleachers at a 1993 golf clinic.
• The PGA Tour ordered Daly to counseling and/or alcohol rehab seven times.
• Daly's first violation came in April 1991 when he cursed out a playing partner; four months later, he would win the PGA Championship.
• Daly was suspended from the Tour in 1994 after getting into a fight with a fellow player after the player accused Daly of hitting into his group during the World Series of Golf.
• Daly was fined a total of nearly $100,000, suspended from the Tour five times, given probation six times, and cited for unprofessional conduct 11 times.

You know, the standard stuff for Daly. It sucks that he did all that, but it is also part of his appeal. So, did Daly take this lightly? Of course he didn't. Big John took to Twitter, publishing Smits' phone number like they are high school Facebook foes, telling followers to call the man and complain.

"here's the JERK who wrote the NON-NEWS article on the debut of my show--Call & tell him how we feel 904-***-**** Gary Smits."

Daly has since taken down the Twitter post, but come on man, you're fucking 43 years old. You are seriously doing this stuff? It is worth your time to go after a guy that is basically doing his job? If you haven't noticed over the years, your antics are what gets the people reading. That is more your fault than ours. We didn't ask you to go to Hooters and pass out, or beat up hotels, or get married and divorced more times than you've hoisted a major championship trophy. You do that type of stuff, people are going to talk about, publicly and privately.

I'm also under the guise that anything Daly related at this point helps his television show, so maybe this is all a joke on us to get his name out there, and people interested in whatever the hell that thing is called on The Golf Channel.

My only hope? That after writing this, Daly doesn't send out my phone number. I don't like the people that call me regularly, and I know most of them.

A Moral Match Play Question for the Masses

This week, I was out on the golf course with a few of the regular guys I golf with. Everyone can play, everyone has ability and everyone can fire a round under par. It's a fun little match that sometimes gets heated, and usually ends with a $10 or $20 being passed between guys.

This match had a moment that was different, and seeing as though I write golf, I figured what better way to figure out the correct resolution than to ask around and see.

We play a Round Robin team game where everyone is a teammate for six holes.

My friend Wes and I were teammates for the first six holes, and after Wes made a 18-footer for birdie on 4 and I made a snake from about 40 feet on 5 for birdie, we were 2-up with one to play. The game allows presses, and the way our competitor rolls, a press is always anticipated.

After the press was called, the two guys hit poor tee shots and were in trouble. One guy ended up in his pocket, the other about 35-feet short of the hole for birdie. Wes, who hit driver up the left side of the short par-4, pitched cooly on to about 10-feet behind the hole, and with our playing partner missing his birdie putt, had a chance to win the press, making it a $20 sweep for the first six hole match.

Here is where the incident occurred. Wes missed the putt, and as it was rolling over the lip, he snapped it away with his putter. The putt wasn't traveling fast at all, and may have rolled a foot and change away from the hole, but Wes wasn't thinking and was pissed he missed the birdie attempt. All three of us had an interesting look on our face. I was rattled enough to miss a 4-footer to save par. The other guy made par, and we went to the next hole with Wes apologizing over and over for his actions.

Now, the putt probably would have been conceded. Like I said, it was barely moving, but nobody really knew the next step. As Wes continually said he'd take a five, and the playing partners saying, "No, no," it seemed that we would tie the press and win the bet, banking $10. When the 18 holes ended, however, the partners asked what we were going to do about that hole.

What do you do? Take the five since you basically picked up without being told the putt was good? Or do you give the guy a four and tell him that it better not happen again?

Any thought is appreciated.

'Yes Dear' is the Nostradamus of the Tiger Woods Scandal

In November of 2005, Tiger Woods was coming off one of his best years ever in the major championships. Two wins, at the Masters and British Open, a second at the U.S. Open and a t-4 at the PGA Championship.

That same year, the television show "Yes Dear" starring some people that I have never heard of had this 16 second clip in one of their shows that eerily predicts the Tiger Woods sex scandals.

Watch and be amazing. Original air date ... November 2, 2005.



The joke is that the man on the left (we will call him Laughtrack) can't keep his mind off sex, and he compares it to "Tiger Woods keeping his mind off sex." The joke (and it's a zinger) is that he meant to say "Tiger Woods keeping his mind off golf!" Get it!!?!

If anything, I can promise you this ... if TIger and Elin were at home watching this show at that time, and that came on the screen, Tiger went cold nervous for about eight seconds until they cut to commercial.

h/t Sports Fellas Twitter

TigerText Will Help Even the Laziest Men Cheat

I get a decent amount of PR junk mail in my inbox. People trying to get me to pitch something about their product or golf course or training aid. Most of the time, I just ignore them (and have fallen in love with the new Deadspin feature, PR Dummies), but it's too bad a company like TigerText didn't try to sell me on their product. I guess they knew that idiots like myself would talk about it anyway.

So, here it is. TigerText is an application for the iPhone that, "allows senders to put a timed delete on messages. It then wipes forever the message from the mobile that sent it, the receiving handset and server."

TigerText founder Jeffrey Evans, who chose the name before the Woods scandal, said: “For the first time, you have complete control over what happens to texts after you hit send."

Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for an app like this to be invented. After spending time out at the Waste Management this week, and rubbing shoulders with, dare I sare, the "important" people of this particular event, I am convinced that more and more men are sleeping around on their wives than ever.

The app is free (well, for the first 100, $1.49 per 250 texts, and $2.49 per month for unlimited), so if nothing else, download it for a couple of giggles between friends. No word yet if it will pixel out your junk if you are insistent on sexting.

h/t Larry Brown Sports via Sporting Blog

Chalk Up Another Win for Golf Digest

Remember that above cover that appeared in the January issue of Golf Digest, where Tiger Woods was photoshopped giving President Barack Obama some putting advice with the words, "10 tips Obama can take from Tiger?" Yeah, that was just terrible, terrible timing for the golf magazine giant.

This? Well, this was more, "shooting yourself in the foot."

See, GD reported in the April issue that Barack had called Tiger during Bangfest '09 to offer up some advice and kind words to the top golfer in the world. As far fetched as it seems (if news breaks of this, every conservative wife in the world points to this as another reason to hate Obama), they are buddies and friends tend to do stuff like that.

Well, the story wasn't true, which means one of those retractions were in order.

"An article in the April issue of Golf Digest incorrectly reported that President Obama made a personal call to Tiger Woods to offer encouragement," the magazine said in an e-mail sent to media outlets Monday. "Our mistake was due to a misunderstanding between the writer and a trusted source. We regret the error."

Next month's cover story? A John Daly swimsuit issue. I'm stoked!

Screw You, Hunter Mahan

Here is a story absolutely zero golfers can relate to! Oh yeah, it involves a professional golfer and a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Hooray!

Hunter Mahan, who just won the Waste Management after posting weekend rounds of 65, cracked his driver on the second hole on Sunday. He had a backup driver in his car, and needed to get it before the third hole. Did he send his coach? Nope, not quite. His trainer? Nope. Nutritionist? Mother? Pilot? No, nope and negative. He sent his girlfriend, Kandi Harris (Ed. Note: I have to say, her appeal goes down about 400 percent when you find out her name is spelled candy with a K and an I. If I've learned anything over the years of dating, it is you can't trust a girl with a name that ends with an I. Is this her real name or stripper name?), out to get his backup driver.

"Luckily the rules staff ran her out to the car and she got it and I got it before the next tee shot, which was nice, because the next hole is a par-5," Mahan said. "I really didn't want to hit a 3-wood off the par 5."

"Oh, look at me, famous pro golfer worth millions! What's that, dear caddie? My driver has a blemish on it? No worries, friend, I'll just send Kandi out to the Escalade to pick up the second custom made driver Ping spent days handcrafting."

Whatever. I sure hope on his way home he didn't pull over to help a stranded man with a flat tire, only to find out it was a genie with a lamp. I'd hate for his week to improve at all.

Ian Poulter Was 'Getting Something Off My Face'

A lot of buzz occurred Sunday afternoon when Ian Poulter, the Englishman that dresses like he raided the Jonas Brothers' wardrobe, supposedly gave the fans at 16 the bird after a missed birdie putt.

Well, as you can see from the pictures above, he obviously wasn't. He said so on Twitter. See, here it is.

To address the 16th. great hole, great atmosphere, but I was getting something off of my face, will I play next year. He'll (sic) yes loved it.

See, there was something on his face. So, like anyone, he got it off, and it just so happened to be with his middle finger immediately after a missed birdie putt and a ton of Boos from the crowd. It's happened to us all.

Why can't you just leave the rich Englishman alone, you neanderthals!?!