$750 Million

That number above is the reported price that Tiger Woods is going to have to pay Elin Nordegren, which is so goddamn insane I can't even muster a joke to soften the blow.

Both Radar and the Chicago Sun-Times are reporting stories that include the $750 million figure (and also the $80 million house in Jupiter, Florida), including other things that Tiger can/can't do.

My favorite of the list is this one:

Elin is demanding Tiger never expose their children to any future female companions ''unless he is married to said person.'' In other words, no Tiger bimbos hanging around those little Woods kids!

Alright, I am one that believes Tiger should take a big hit from this, mainly because I'm the president of Camp Don't Get Married If You're Still Horny For Other Women, but $750 million? How the hell did that figure get cemented?

Along with the "no sluts as the sitter" clause, there are these:

While Tiger and his legal team spent a lot of time crafting elaborate language preventing any future Elin tell-all or media interviews, that was not an issue for the Swedish native. ''She is so private. The last thing she would ever do is revisit this horrible period in her life,'' said a longtime Florida friend.

What has been a big sticking point are custody issues regarding specific time the Woods children will spend outside the United States. Elin is pushing for much more than what Tiger wants.

I'm pretty sure Elin could have a "Tiger must use a kangaroo as a caddie in future major championships" and I still won't be nearly as confused as I am with that monetary figure they came up with.

Kids, sit down for a second and listen to me when I tell you this. If you ever become rich and famous (and I'm sure if you're subjecting yourself to this website, that is very unlikely), don't cheat on your wife, and if you do, don't do it to where she will be totally and incredibly embarrassed.

While I don't agree with the figure that Elin and her team has settled on, you can't blame her for taking it to Tiger. The man has shamed her for the rest of her life, and at least she can leave with a nice parting gift.