Hopefully in CUI Class You'll Finally Learn What Scatter Means

You know those age old questions that nobody ever really has the answer to? Why is that older men's sneezes are twenty times louder and more aggressive than that of a younger adult? Why do we get hiccups? You know, things like that.

Well, I guess one of mine has been resolved - I never understood how people can get biking under the influence tickets and not get some for driving a golf cart hammered.

Thanks for John Trask, 36, we all now know. This was reported on Sports By Brooks but after reading the article it really does suck. The guy was just swerving around the parking lot with a beer in his hand and got nabbed by those damn Scottsdale police jerks.

The East Valley Tribune said that this is one of 21 DUI arrests so far during Super Week, but what I'd love to know is how many speeding tickets have been flashed out on the 101. Can someone find this out?

DUI on a golf cart - man, takes the fun out of the possible replay round in the afternoon doesn't it?

Awesome photo, even without Internet

The best thing about posting this photo, taken from SI.com, is that the people in Dubai have no way of checking to see it. Seriously, how does a cable get cut under the sea?

Anyway, thought this was a cool pic.

Credit Peter Morrison/AP

In Case You Forgot in Four Days That Tiger Was Good

It snowed about four inches last night in Denver, making the thought of playing golf in Dubai almost unthinkable. Nonetheless, El Tigre decided that winning the Buick Invitational by eight shots on Sunday, flying 8,404 miles to Dubai and then teeing up wasn't enough - the Freak is up two shots after round one.

Tiger shot a 7-under 65 Thursday (wait, today is THURSDAY!!!!) to lead the tournament by two over 11 other golfers.

I guess Ian Poulter is going to give it another week before it is just him and Tiger, shooting a respectable 2-under 70, but has let 41 people between him and his only match, Mr. Woods! What is he thinking?! Come on Ian, that kid from the British Open last year, Rory McIlroy,. is beating you. That sounds like that guy from "Tin Cup."

Photo compliments of Peter Morrison

Frost Delay - Cold in Arizona? Watch for locust

My favorite thing in the world is when people have absolutely no clue about something yet feel the need to comment on said ignorance to anyone and everyone that will listen.

(A good example of this is anytime Emmitt Smith speaks, especially when he says things like he said Tuesday, "every day is a different day." Sorry, couldn't let that go.)

Anyway, having lived in Arizona for more than six years and Scottsdale for almost two, my favorite thing was when people would land in Scottsdale in the winter and say things like, "Hey, isn't this supposed to be Arizona?"

Yeah dipshit, it is Arizona, where it is 115 degrees year round and the hottest chicks in the world walk around the mall in bikinis and will give you a lap dance upon command, even if they're with their grandmas in Crate and Barrel.

So, a frost delay during the first round at the FBR isn't something that locals would be surprised about, but to most people that apparently have never checked weather.com, this is up there with beating your kids or drinking someone else's Red Bull on a Thursday in the office when they brought it in from home (assholes).

Too Many Pints Will Do This to a Person

So, you've probably heard by now that Ian Poulter is going to be the next Sergio Garcia/Phil Mickelson/Ernie Els/Vijah Singh to Mr. Woods.

Poulter said in an interview that he believes "I haven't played to my full potential yet. And when that happens it will just be me and Tiger."

I'm pretty sure now is the time to let everyone know that Tiger and Ian (nice name) are the same age and Mr. Poulter has never won on the PGA Tour. Even higher comedy - his best finish was at the WGC American-Express Championships in 2006 TO TIGER WOODS!

So, with the hilarity of this in mind, I'm going to jot down a few quotes from Poulter that could have been more sensible than his prediction that El Tigre will have to share the gold medal podium with him in the near future.

"Anytime Mickelson wants to play me left-handed, I'm game. Nobody on tour can spell ambidextrous like I."

"Ray Lewis - pussy."

"Three things the English have that Americans want - great food, Hollywood weather and prefect chompers."

"Mike Tyson - pussy."

"These pants? Yeah, they're dockers."

"Major I'd most want to win? PGA Championship - that has always been a dream of mine."

"I've always been a gym rat. Ever since I was old enough to lift. I've tried to get this thing to catch on in the United States but it seems none of the golfers here, especially the successful ones, care about their figure."

"Ryder Cup prediction? US in a landslide."

"Chuck Liddell - pussy."

"I'm only going to tell you this once, but I could really see myself winning the Grand Slam in 08. These courses have just always fit my eye."

Casey Martin feature

In case you're bored at work or don't have a job, this was a pretty interesting piece about one of the most controversial (still not sure how) people in golf over the last decade and what he is up to these days.

All accounted for, he seems pretty content coaching the Oregon Ducks (besides the fact that you have to live in Eugene).

Pretty sad that a guy with a leg that looks like a Vienna Sausage not only had to deal with walking and playing golf on it, but had to deal with all the people yelling at him for something he couldn't help.

Why Two weeks is one and a half week too much

If terms of sports hype, the Super Bowl makes every other sporting event obsolete. Even in the title of the game you know that it will be SUPER, giraffe necks above anything else that considers itself a "big game."

Most of the reason for this is the build-up, a two week media orgy that allows every sports personality worth his weight in airline peanuts to weigh in on some angle or another. The problem - this, ummm, sucks.

You know those old images of two circus hands slamming the posts into the ground, alternating blows as some eerie music is playing in the background that is almost too creepy for children? Yeah, just imagine Mike and Mike as your conglomerate sports media (you know, if Greenberg could actually pick up a sledgehammer) and the post being everyone with ears.

So, we avoided the perfect storm, two weeks of Tom Brady vs. Brett Favre, Hall of Famer versus, well, Hall of Famer. I guess what I wasn't expecting is that for some reason, Brady would do this to us with the ankle, making the view of any sports show a walking, breathing webmd.com. Could you imagine if he had crutches shoved under his armpits? We'd probably have Emmitt and the boys using crutches on those little mini-football fields to show exactly the right procedure to use them to perfection.

As a sports fan entering his mid-20s, it is becoming harder and harder to pay attention to all that happens because of how beat to the turf the coverage is. No, I don't care about Brady's ankle. Nope, I don't care at all if the Giants wore black suits when they got off the plane in Phoenix. Absolutely no chance I even give a slight eyebrow raise to know that this linebacker feels they have no chance or this guy has the flu.

Patriots are 18-0, Giants Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtled themselves out of the sewer to make it to the game, Eli might not suck. That's all - Sunday couldn't come soon enough.

Lord, Steer Clear of Scottsdale

So in case you hadn't heard, the Super Bowl is going on this Sunday in desolate beautiful Glendale, Arizona, just a wrap around the exciting 101 to TPC Scottsdale.

Yep, the FBR Open and Super Bowl are both going on in the same congested city at the same time during the same weekend. Lord, I thought the snowbirds slowed down traffic around Frank Lloyd Wright.

Anyway, since it is Super Bowl week and more money is put on teams than any other time of the year (lay the points, lay the points), I decided to throw together a line of some things to expect around Scottsdale at both the FBR and SB.

+120 - Chance you'll see a chick flash her chest around number 16 on Saturday
+180 - Chance Mickelson flashes his chest at some point during the weekend
+150 - Chance an ex-Wildcat or Sun Devil take home the trophy on Sunday
-330 - Chance Rory Sabbatini gives someone the bird trying to battle Scottsdale Road traffic
+1150 - Chance Fox interviews Will Leitch at some point during the telecast.
-220 - More people hit drives in the water on 17 at TPC than drive the green.
+850 - Chances a Florida Gator wins the FBR (yeah, that's right, we hate you Chris Dimarco).

Over/Unders
18.5 - People that are arrested Saturday at FBR.
20,000 - People that don't go out Saturday night after attending FBR because they are too hungover.
30.5 - average minutes you have to wait for those dumbass buses to take you back to your car outside of TPC.
1 - hole in ones on 16 all week.
550 - DUI's handed out by Scottsdale Police Department over the three day stretch.
3.5 - Amount of DUI's handed out to people that would be considered a household name.
8,500 - From this point forward, times ESPN says the word "Tom Brady's walking cast."

Enjoy the tourney.

"Hey Dipshit, golf season has started."

So my best buddy sent me an email tonight saying those words above, urging me to start up the 'ol golf blog since the words "Tiger wins" has already crept into our 2008 vocabulary.

Yep, you guessed it, El Tigre put on a performance pretty worthy of passing one of the greatest golf legends of all time, Arnold "Ice Tea and Lemonade please" Palmer, on the all-time wins list.

Mr. Woods picked a pretty good week to explain to the world that he is still the most dominant person in all of sports. His buddy, Roger Federer, who has dominated tennis since 2003, lost to the new cup of tea this past weekend at the Australian Open. People could argue that Federer has been more dominate than Tiger at his respective sport over the past five years, but Tiger has surfed this wave since he joined the circuit in 1996 and continues to do things that nobody sees coming.

I mean, think about it - Tiger, Mr. Middle of the Road, actually said that he felt the Grand Slam was in reach this year. Can you believe it?

With the Buick Open win, Tiger was the only person the entire week to shoot four rounds below par. Tiger had only one bogey through the first three rounds, leading the field in birdies, putts per round, putts per greens in regulation and sand saves. People always talk about his power and his length off the tee (chicks dig the long ball), but he let the aspects of golf around the green do all the talking at Torrey Pines.

Enough gushing, Tiger is the man and everyone knows this. During the break from the site, we had Tiger take home the Fedex Cup (woo hoo), the tour decide to drug test everyone (Tiger, watch out), Mickelson continue to be REALLY Oprah-like weird and Tiger win the Target World Challenge after taking two months off. Also, everyone had to endure the "made for the media" lynching comment that made everyone in sports sigh at the exhausting coverage of such a meaningless argument over an innocent slip-up. I guess to me, mistakes happen and you accept them, but you have to look at someone like Kelly Tilghman and KNOW she didn't mean any ill will when she said what she said. People in America joke about stupid stuff like this all the time but when it comes up on The Golf Channel about Tiger it deserves national response? Ok, Tiger is black. Yeah, lynching happened eons ago. Sure, white people were known to lynch black people. Guess what, it's 2008 and I'm a young white guy and I like black people. This is the case for a majority of the world because we're actually growing up and moving on with the whole "you're skin is a different color, you must be inferior" ideal that was a black eye in the history of our humanity. Bad news for all the people that freaked out - people used to think the world was flat, people used to burn people because they were "witches," and people died of smallpox and diarrhea instead of AIDS and cancer. Things evolve, people change and sometimes the younger generation says things that aren't a big deal to us because we don't believe in that anymore. Kudos to Tiger for the way he handled it - "Yeah, she didn't mean anything by it, I don't care." You have to love his grasp of reality.

Anyway, sorry for my rant of a paragraph, but nobody ever hears from the younger generation in these matters because every columnist is older than peanut butter and jellies and only gives the world one point of view.

I'll be updating it more now that the real golf has started and be trying to bring you more of a fresh golf perspective that makes you not want to mute your TV when Nick Faldo is talking like a drunk step-father.